Ayahuasca Series 1 of 5: Why did I do this?

TRIGGER WARNING: This blog series concerns non-addictive psychoactive substances which, despite being present in nature and/or in our own bodies, are judged by the inestimable US government to be Schedule 1 controlled substances.

If that makes them “bad” in your view, I would strongly advise that you don’t read any of this. Just know that, ultimately, what I have to share is not about the substances themselves but the lessons and people that surround them. This would also be a good time to ask yourself whether the statins you take for cholesterol or the ibuprofen you take for muscle aches are okay simply because they’re made in a lab and approved by the FDA. What if it hurts somewhere you can’t reach, like your soul?

But if you already read this far, then I’m asking you to trust me when I say that I genuinely want to help people. It’s getting hard to be an upstanding and self-sufficient person in this world. I know some of you hurt or feel worthless or have the nagging feeling you’re just not where you should be, realizing all the while that should is the most insidious word in my beloved English lexicon.

I don’t care if you judge me. I’m using the tools available to try to figure myself and the world out. I’m feeling feelings these days, and I’m struggling to make sense of them. That’s all I’m up to.

Nothing about this is fun, but it is interesting. These days, I’m more compelled to notice when something interests me. The strange machinations of my heart and mind currently interest me greatly. I’m on a quest to learn who I really am. But even before I get there, I need to understand why I am.

Am I talking about the meaning of life? Not really. I think the point of life is to live it as fully as your heart desires. As for meaning, I believe that there’s as good a chance as not that we’re all just here to learn and teach. Some people don’t want to learn, and so they teach us how not to be. I must believe that there is value in that fact, for such teachers are legion.

The best-case scenario is that we contribute to what I now call the Great Understanding, when we finally see ourselves reflected in everything. That is the most honorable outcome to which we can reasonably aspire in this life.

I take comfort in this notion. Perhaps because it can’t be proven wrong any more than [insert religion or theory] can be proven right. In an uncertain world, I’ve come to prefer comfort over certainty. Choosing to believe in something is new to me.

Before I begin, let me tell you a bit about myself.

I grew up in a very rural Midwest community of about 4,000 people, the vast majority of whom have no recent experience with any substances stronger than Yukon Jack and cigarettes. We’re talking conservative to the core. I largely adopted that posture myself for a very long time. In fact, until age 48, I’d never partaken in anything besides weed—and that was only because Oregon legalized it. Breaking the law was never my thing.

People in my hometown hide their pain well because it’s considered impolite to burden others with it. They’re quick with a smile and a handshake, and everything is always okay. Everything gets shoved down deep inside, either to fester or dissipate in the weak solvent of time.

In 2022, I attended a plant medicine ceremony. The plant was San Pedro, a cactus, which, like it’s cousin, peyote, has been used for thousands of years by indigenous peoples. Why? I think, basically, to see beyond. To widen their awareness enough to look deep within. YI went because I didn’t understand why I was how I was, but I really wanted to because that seemed like empowering information. You can read all about that here.

Most people turn to psychedelics because they’re looking to heal in some way. Using the above example of statins and painkillers, the indications are pretty clear. But what if the pain is somewhere that pharmaceuticals and/or therapy can’t reach? You can’t see your own face without a mirror — how are you supposed to see deep inside your heart?

If you’ve ever searched for answers to questions like …

• Why am I like this?
• Why don’t I feel okay?
• What the hell happened to me?
• Why do I hate myself?
• Why am I an addict?
• How do I stop hurting inside?
• What’s the point of all this?
• How can I be a better human?

… then you probably haven’t found them. The pain of not knowing can be dulled in any number of ways, and many people never get beyond that. If you do, the resources available, such as therapy or antidepressants, can get you a little further down the road. But many find, as I did, that the answers are unsatisfying or difficult to reckon with.

Neither our eyes nor our brains are wired to look deep within. Meditation is called a “practice” because it takes time, discipline, and calmness to even enter a state whereby you can look deep within. Psychedelics can be a useful substitute for that kind of discipline. But you have to really, really want to understand yourself first. I don’t believe many people actually do. It’s so much easier to blame your parents, partners, externalities like work, bad luck, or bad timing. In other words, to be a victim. A passenger with no real agency.

Like me.

At some point a few years ago, I journaled, “The first step to become a better person is to realize you could use some bettering.”

That was a tough realization. Not because my self-image was inflated, but because it was fragile. And it’s no wonder, because what I believed to be introspection was really just self-reproach.

There’s much more I could say about my long and ongoing journey to know and accept myself, but that’s not what this series is about. It’s ultimately about how elusive the truth can be, even when it hides in plain sight, and the lengths some will go to find it.